Chapter 35: The Knight King of Writing Utensils
Now, if I’m going to introduce my dear kusoge friend, the esteemed Pencil Warrior—a comrade with whom I exchange middle fingers with a smile—then there’s one game I absolutely must introduce first.
The name of that game is United Rounds. Players become knights and fight against invading monsters to save a kingdom on the brink of ruin... Its catchphrase is "Stack Your Swords, Unite," and it's a cooperative MMOVR. However, the fact that this game sits enshrined on my shelf at home means it is, in short, a kusoge.
First, the premise: an impossibly abysmal drop rate.
For example, suppose a novice knight player takes on the "Herb Gathering Quest." Their NPC superior orders them to collect herbs in the forest right near the base. Now, what is the smartest and easiest method for this rookie knight? Since it’s the tutorial, you think you should just obediently gather them in the forest? Congratulations—you, my friend, will spend roughly 12 hours crawling on all fours in the underbrush.
You see, this game is so maddeningly faithful to its setting, you'd want to scream, "Did you program this with your eyes shut?!" In other words, everything is on the verge of ruin... At its most extreme, even the most common item in the entire game, a mere "Pebble," has an insane drop rate of 40%. If their luck is bad, players have to pick up stones while constantly dismissing a window that says:
"This pebble does not seem suitable for throwing..."
Why, you ask? Because the starting sword shatters after three full swings!!
Incidentally, the drop rate for herbs is 2%. The weeds are so insanely prolific that you'll literally want to exterminate them root and stem.
So what's the correct answer then? It’s simple: you steal them from others...
This is precisely the biggest piece of crap in United Rounds: the "Post-Apocalyptic Looting Game." There are many categories, famous and obscure alike, for becoming an outlaw in an open world, but no one would imagine that in a cooperative MMO of all things, looting would be the optimal solution.
But in reality, even the strategy sites explicitly stated that the easiest way to do the initial herb gathering was to "raid an NPC shop, or raid the player who raided it and steal from them." Furthermore, perhaps out of spite, the developers declared, "We will absolutely never change the drop rates," and so the kingdom-named apocalypse... did not die out from depopulation.
After all, the premise made PvP a mandatory element. Game review sites gave it a one-star rating and described their reasons in florid detail, yet PvP enthusiasts flocked to it like moths to a flame. What's more, it went beyond mere friction—looting as a greeting, ambushes right before logging out, treachery during co-op quests; the premise was that everyone was an enemy. That sheer hopelessness drew in hardcore users as well.
As a result, United Rounds—colloquially known as the "Apocalyptic Round Table"—achieved a fair amount of success as an MMO and continues to this day, enjoyed in a manner completely opposite to its original purpose.
Let's bring the story back to Pencil Warrior. She was among the new players drawn in, one of the so-called "Outlaw Faction," attracted to that post-apocalyptic environment.
I'll skip the details, but after rampaging through the Apocalyptic Round Table—where essentially everyone was an enemy—and employing every trick and tactic in the book, Pencil Warrior, in a fit of madness, achieved total dominion over the kingdom. Thus, a Pencil Kingdom redder than blood was born, hoisting the banner of "Let's Share the Wealth and Drop Items with Everyone (smile)."
Those were wild times. It was such a dystopia that even I had no choice but to acknowledge it as "a kusoge so extreme it becomes a divine game."
Thoroughly exploiting players she deliberately refused to make subordinates was just the beginning. She had moles intentionally form a resistance, giving the victims the will to rebel—in other words, a measure to keep them from leaving the game.
She was the Demon Lord, the mastermind. The story's designated final boss, a forgettable mob called "Demon Lord Romanis XVIII" or whatever, was nothing compared to her. Nicknames like "True Evil" and "Dystopia Empress" were no exaggeration. In that moment, United Rounds was undeniably in the palm of a single player's hand.
Me and... I think his name was "Katzotataki" back then... Anyway, Modor Katzo and I, mercenaries belonging to neither the rebel army nor the kingdom army (even though we were knights?), used the rebels as a decoy to infiltrate Pencil Warrior's castle. We slipped through vicious traps, forced the rebels to hold off Pencil Knight's subordinate players, and finally, although it ended in a draw in a 2-against-1 fight, we succeeded in assassinating Pencil Warrior, bringing the era of United Rounds known as the "Pencil Dynasty" to a close... Come to think of it, they used to call her Arthur Pencilgon, after the legends of King Arthur.
Sunraku: "You're a name that brings back unpleasant memories..."
Arthur Pencilgon: "Heh, I came all the way from Fifticia, knowing full well I'd take the penalty, just to kill you like a petty child. You ought to weep with gratitude while I spawn-camp you!"
With a broad smirk, Pencil Warrior—no, Arthur Pencilgon—readies a one-handed sword that clearly holds formidable power. Sure, I sent her a screenshot of Emul eating a carrot just to annoy her, but was that enough to make her come all this way to PK me?
Oh, and Emul, hiding your ears is good, but your tail is fully exposed. Stand in the corner and don't get noticed.
Arthur Pencilgon: "Just so you know, I didn't come here purely for personal reasons."
Sunraku: "Hah."
Arthur Pencilgon: "You and Katzo-kun both have this way of naturally snorting at people like they're idiots. It really pisses me off, you know?"
A person who embodies selfishness in human form, seemingly having installed talent and high APP as innate skills—she expects me to believe she's acting for someone else's sake? If that's a joke, I'd give it about 72 points.
Arthur Pencilgon: "I happen to be the number two of the Ashura Kai."
Animalia: "The Ashura Kai's number two... No way, Pencilgon the Hardcore Player Hunter (Giant Killer)!?"
A few seconds of silence follow Animalia's cry, a mix of shock and fear.
Sunraku: "Giant Killing?"
Arthur Pencilgon: "Well, I kept going after players above my level, and people started calling me that. The PK nerfs have made it harder lately, but you know how it goes... old skills die haaard, or whatever."
Sunraku: "You're the giant who ends up getting killed, Dystopia Empress."
Arthur Pencilgon: "Exactly."
Sunraku & Pencilgon: "Ahahahaha!"
Animalia and Emul stare at me and Pencilgon as we cackle with laughter, their expressions saying they can't believe it. But we're reasonably close friends, so this much is only natural.
Arthur Pencilgon: "And so—an opening!"
Sunraku: "I knew you'd try that, dumbass!"
We usually play games in an adversarial relationship, so this level of thing is an everyday affair. I dodge what appears to be a disposable throwing knife and scan my surroundings.
Now then, how do I get out of this situation?